The Most Okayest Summer Ever!

Since becoming a mom, I've learned a thing or two about summertime and kids. In the beginning, I started each summer with the expectation of bliss and fun and happy memories. I made "Summer Bucket Lists" and promised myself that I was going to make those long, lazy days the best days of my children's lives. I scoured mom blogs and parenting articles for inspiration. I collected craft materials to keep them busy during a pop-up thunderstorm. I scrolled through countless Pinterest pages for mom tested and approved activities. Each summer, I started off with hope. By the end, I was tired, disappointed, and relieved when the school bus stopped by our house. Our summers were filled with tantrums, rain delays, and let downs. It was my fault. I expected too much out of the kids, the weather, and myself. I was too excited and in turn, I elevated the kids' expectations. I placed so much emphasis on having the best summer ever that when "life" happened, it suddenly became the worst summer ever. So now, I set the bar lower, learned from the fails, and settle for the most okayest summer ever. It goes something like this:



Photo Credit: Someecards

Catching Fireflies

The Best: Giggling little children running barefoot through the grass and gently swooping fireflies out of the warm night air.

The Worst: Chasing after highly evolved fireflies that climb twenty feet over our heads resulting in tantrums and empty glass jars. Oh and mosquito bites. A lot of mosquito bites all over.

The Okayest: Do not plan a firefly hunt. If you happen to be outside and they are within reach, great. If not, move along. Do not talk about all the fireflies you used to catch when you were a child. (Trust me, it will only bring out your 3 year old daughter's competitive nature.) Wear bug spray.



Or you can catch this Firefly. This one is better.
Photo Credit: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Firefly_(TV_series)

Pool Days

The Best: Spending hours and hours at the neighborhood pool. Splashing and laughter and sitting in the sun.

The Worst: Not spending hours and hours at the neighborhood pool due to constant thunderstorms.

The Okayest: Keep the pool bag packed by the front door and bathing suits within reach at all times. Rush to the pool between thunderstorms so the kids can jump in a few times. Suntans are bad for you anyway, right?


Rainy Day Crafts

The Best: Content little kids sitting at the kitchen table creating little homemade masterpieces.

The Worst: "Her craft looks better than mine!" Paper cuts. Projects that should take hours are completed within minutes.  Craft kits that require more adult supervision than advertised. Glitter.

The Okayest: Give the kids a ream of white paper and crayons. That's it. No scissors, no glue, no kits that come with a picture of those damn model kids holding perfectly crafted potholders or sun catchers. Absolutely no glitter.


Same goes for cooking crafts.

Vacations

The Best: A week long trip to the beach or Disney World, or some other awesome place and every moment is Facebook status worthy.

The Worst: Completely rained out beach trip, cranky kids and stressed parents. Or even worse, not able to take a vacation at all.

The Okayest: Take daytrips to local attractions that don't require waiting in long lines, paying for overpriced admission/food/beverages, or packing suitcases. (After reading so many posts about rained out beach trips, I think it was a good thing we couldn't take a vacation this summer.)


Fishing Trips with Daddy

The Best: Two quiet and patient little girls sitting with their dad by the lake all day. Poles in the water and smiles on their faces. Bringing home a fresh catch for dinner.

The Worst: Impatient, noisy, completely bored little girls crying about empty hooks, soggy worms, and killing "Nemo."

The Okayest: Take the kids to a DNR "Catch & Release" stocked pond for a couple of hours max. Use hotdogs as bait. Bring snacks and bug spray. Lots of bug spray. Have a contest for the first fish, the biggest fish, the smallest fish, and the most colorful fish so even the littlest fisherman has a fish tale to share.



Don't worry. Everyone survived.

Summer Blockbusters

The Best: Kids sitting perfectly still through an entire animated film. Parents enjoying an hour of sitting in a cool, dark room.

The Worst: Multiple potty breaks, spilled popcorn, short attention spans. Other kids running around without parental guidance making your kids question your threats of movie theater cops who arrest disruptive kids.

The Okayest: See a movie a few weeks after the movie release day. Better yet, wait for the DVD.


Summer doesn't have to be a big production. In fact, the beauty of summer is to slow down and enjoy the little moments away from schedules. It took a few summer fails to realize that it's okay to not plan every minute of the day. It's okay to let things happen organically. Step away from Pinterest. It's okay to keep it simple. Give the kids an opportunity to enjoy a lazy day. Give yourself an opportunity to have a lazy day. If you must plan an event this summer, go easy on yourself if it all falls through. Some of the best memories happen when plans fall apart.

And use bug spray.

Crying Wolf

I've been a mother for over seven years, but I still don't really know my kids' cries. People say that when you become a parent, you'll learn that your child has different cries: A tired cry, a hungry cry, a sad cry, a fussy cry, a scared cry, a dirty diaper cry, a bored cry, a pain cry... the list goes on. When S was born, we jumped at every noise. If she sighed a little differently while sleeping at night, The Hub and I hovered over her and watched her chest rise and fall, just in case that particular sigh was her last breath. Morbid, I know. But, these are the scary thoughts that plague the minds of new parents. With time, you're supposed to figure out the different types of cries. Each baby is different and each baby produces unique sounds. I'm here to report that it's not always that easy. Somehow, I failed to acquire the ear for cries.

S would cry everyday about something. She would cry if she woke up too early or too late. She would cry if she didn't like the meal we served her. She would cry if someone looked at her too long. She would cry at the end of her favorite cartoon. She would cry at bath time and bedtime. It was like living with a toddler with PMS. I'll admit, I'm an emotional person, but even in my lifetime, I've never cried as much as she did those first three years. During one especially emotional month, I asked her pediatrician if she needed Prozac. He assured me it was "just a phase and she'd grow out of it." He was right. Around the age of four, S stopped crying everyday. 

The problem now is that her cries are inconsistent with the cause of the cry. If she has a serious crash on her bike, she might shed a few quiet tears. If we turn off her cartoons, S will reenact Sally Field's cemetery break down from Steel Magnolias. I just can't judge the severity of the problem based on her reaction. Recently, S was running down the hall with our dog, Bailey. Bailey is a 65 pound pitbull who truly believes she is a little lap dog. 

Me: Stop running down the hall, S.
S: Bailey and I are playing chase and having fun. I'll be careful.
Me: Seriously, stop running. You'll get hurt.
S: I won't get hurt, mom. We're just playing.
Me: Fine. Don't come crying to me when you do!

BAM! 

S: (calmly) Mommy? I fell down and hit my face.
Me: See?! Told you so. Go sit down.

S was really quiet and I started to feel bad for not checking on her. So after a few minutes of gloating in my mommy wisdom, I checked on S. It turns out that Bailey suddenly turned in front of S mid run and tripped S. S fell forward and smacked her face against the door frame. The few minutes I left her alone on the couch, a goose egg bump formed on her cheek and within a few hours, she had a dark purple bruise that covered her eye and half her face. S barely cried.

My younger daughter, B, (age 3 1/2) has one cry. On a scale from one to ten, it's an eleven. It doesn't matter if she's a little moody or seriously injured, her default cry is that of a wild animal being skinned alive. She will tilt her head back, close her eyes, open her mouth, and wail. I believe she is part banshee or we have a Death Metal frontman somewhere in our blood line. It's a blood-curdling noise and will turn your hair white. No joke. I really should buy stock in Nice and Easy 118 Natural Medium Brown. 

Basically, B "cries wolf." Every "bad" situation is an emergency. Every moment of discomfort or pain is of epic proportions. It's go big or go home. I can only hope that B will turn off the daily waterworks around her fourth birthday. 

That is why I can't figure out my kids' cries. Or screams, for that matter. When they are playing in the other room, I'll hear some serious shrieks and a desperate call for MAMA! I'll jump up and run to the room, half expecting to see blood or an exposed bone. 

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG?!
Kids: Oh Hi, mommy!
Me: What is going on? Why did you yell for me like that?
B: We're playing Monster Attack and S is the mommy* and I'm the baby and S is trying to save me from the monster.
S: Yeah, mom. Why are you so upset? We're playing nicely like you told us to.

*Due to the high frequency of confusing a cry for the pretend mom with a call requesting me, I added Rule #264:

Whereas, We have taken into Our Royal Consideration the need for active imaginations and play to further our offspring's overall development, let it be known from this day forward, all imaginary maternal guardians will be addressed as "Mother." Her Majesty The Queen of the Household (your real mother), shall only acknowledge and respond to "Mommy, Mom, Mama, Ma." Any person in violation of said rule will be hung from their toes and given cold oatmeal for breakfast.

In order to make sense of my kids' cries and screams, I have devised this chart which shows the appropriate cry/scream for any given situation. Before anyone decides to have an emotional reaction, they must first refer to this chart and adjust their intensity accordingly.

There better be a Honey Badger in that room or you're all in big trouble!
(Click on chart to enlarge)

I know that once the kids become more proficient with the English language and learn to better articulate their feelings, I will be able to decipher their needs with ease and accuracy. I encourage the girls to "use their words" and calm down when trying to explain what happened to make them so upset. It takes time and patience... something that I still work on everyday. I have learned to not react to every cry and scream right away. Unless I hear glass breaking, smell smoke, or worse, complete silence, most times, my kids are okay. We have health insurance so when the inevitable trip to the ER happens, we're covered. Like their bodies, they are growing into their emotions. I try to remember what my pediatrician said whenever our household is in the midst of emotional chaos: It's just a phase and they'll grow out of it.

... Until they become teenagers.

Photo Credits from Chart

1. cryface.tumblr.com

2. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/98/Oww_Papercut_14365.jpg/230px-Oww_Papercut_14365.jpg

3. http://freefunnyshit.com/viewcaption.php?caption_id=249&type=full

4. aboutus.lego.com

5. http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/R7C-feQm6GM/hqdefault.jpg

6.  http://ivn.us/editors-blog/files/2012/05/honey-badger.jpeg

The Answer is No.

When I became a parent seven years ago, I had a pretty good idea of what was expected of me. I had to fulfill certain requirements like clean up messes, cook, and kiss boo-boos. You know... mommy work. What I didn't realize was that I would also face a lot of disappointment. It's not so much my disappointment, but the disappointment of my children. I say the word "no" a lot. It turns out, I am a dream crusher at least ten times a day. It goes something like this:

Kid: Can I have candy for breakfast?
Me: No.
Kid: Awww! 

Kid: Can I run through the lawn sprinklers? 
Me: It's the middle of winter. No.
Kid: Awww!

Kid: Can I have an iPhone?
Me: I don't even have an iPhone. Besides you're 6. No.
Kid: Awww!

Kid: Can I cut my own hair?
Me: Hell, no.
Kid: Awww! (Sneaks off with scissors and does it anyway.)

I also say "no" to jumping off the couch, to getting dessert without finishing dinner first, to driving the car, (my 3 year old thinks if she keeps asking, I'll eventually give in and let her take the family sedan for a spin), to wearing bright red lipstick to school, and to staying up late to watch Family Guy. (But, mom! It's a cartoon!)

Over the last year, I have tried to get a job. I had four great opportunities and none of them worked out. Three of those times, I got a "no." I didn't fit their requirements in one way or another. The fourth time happened today. Unfortunately, they didn't fit my requirements and I said no. It's difficult to hear the word "no" when you really want something. When it comes to employment, it can really be dream crushing. While waiting (sometimes several weeks) for the results of your interview, it is easy to daydream about how things will be once you get that "yes, you're hired" phone call. I had the next two years planned out. My nights were spent dreaming sexy dreams of a time when we could quickly pay off our debt. We could fix up the house. We could go on a real vacation. We could actually save a little for rainy days... or what I like to call, "Dammit! The water heater is leaking!" days. But, then the answer is no and little dream bubbles are popped. You wake up and decide if you're going to let that "no" stop you. When my daughter wanted to cut her own hair, she didn't let my "no" stop her. Of course, she regretted that tenacious move once she found herself in the nearest Great Clips watching what was left of her long blonde hair fall to the floor. Regardless, she didn't let a "no" stop her.

And neither will I.

I'm going to say yes and hire myself. I think I am a good fit. I know I am driven and I have fantastic ideas. I think I can produce some amazing work. I have the potential to do something big. I can make one hell of a pot of coffee. I'm the perfect employee for me. 

I have big plans for 2013. First, I want to really turn "You'll Be Fine. I Promise." into something wonderful. I'm talking new design, new features, and forums. I want to sell YBFIP merchandise. I want to start a charity or a program where we... you, my very fine readers, and I can help out and be love. I want to see just how far I can go with this little blog. That means more posts, more Facebook posts and Twitter tweets... or twits... tweeps? I'm going to network like hell, people. It scares me, but I'm going to put myself out there.

Second, I have set a real goal to finish my children's book. I started it earlier this year, but like my P90X DVDs, the manuscript remains untouched, ignored, and provides a great deal of self-imposed guilt. This year, I will finish it. You read it here, folks. Now, I have to do it. Shit. Now I HAVE to do it.

I've already shared my goals with a few of my pals. I get the same response, "Yes. Do it. It's about damn time, Terese." They also ask me how they can help. I give them the same answer:

Read my blog and share it with everyone you know.

That's it. If you enjoy my stories, please share them with others. It sounds so simple, but it is a huge deal for me. I am grateful for every page view, every comment, every share. I'm even grateful for the dirty birdie who googled "30 year old tits" and clicked on my post, "Birthday Wishes of a 30-Something Year Old," not once, but twice in the same day. I'm a little creeped out, but grateful for the traffic.

So, stay tuned. I hope you are as jazzed about this as I am. Also, if you have any suggestions or ideas of things you would like to see here, let me know. I want this blog to be a kind of community. Granted, I'll be the one doing most of the talking, but I want you to join in, too. 

I have a dream and a goldfish in a Ziploc baggie...
Who's coming with me?!
Photo Credit: Sony Pictures

Consumer Letters from a Regular Mom

I am happy to introduce a new segment to my blog: Consumer Letters from a Regular Mom. Periodically, I will write letters to companies to offer suggestions on ways to improve their product. Moms make up the biggest consumer group so I believe companies should hear what we have to say about their products. Hope you enjoy!

***

Dear Tampon Manufacturers,

I have been a faithful customer for over two decades now. For the most part, I am happy with your product line and will continue my patronage for as long as my girly underneathy bits require your business. I have witnessed several product upgrades through the years. With 250+ purchases under my belt, I consider myself a bit of a tampon connoisseur. Long gone are the days of bulky packaging and pale pink wrappers stuffed in my purse. I appreciate your new sleek, aerodynamic designs. I can continue to carry my cute handbag instead of pulling out a rucksack to cart around my menstrual survival kit. Unfortunately, I have found a serious flaw in your latest packaging design. I am a mother of two young girls who have a bit of a sweet tooth. If I foolishly open my purse within their line of sight, I am bombarded with requests to share what they believe is candy. I think you've missed the mark on helping a gal keep her visit from Aunt Flo on the down-low. There is nothing discreet about my menses whilst out in public when my kid grabs a fun-sized tampon from my bag and waves it around begging if she could please, please, please have a candy bar! I am already one step away from a hormonal murderous outburst and now I have to try to explain to my 3 year old that she doesn't want "mommy's candy." You are not helping me "Have a Happy Period." Might I suggest a new design? Perhaps you can consult the Navy Seals and work together on a wrapper design that is a little more covert or camouflaged, if you will. Take a survey of 2 to 4 year olds and research what they don't like. Work with moms, not against them.

 I took it upon myself to come up with a few prototypes:

You can call them Mompons. Genius, no?

Thank you for your time and consideration with this matter. I look forward to collaborating with you on your next line of feminine care products.

Sincerely,

A Menstrual Mom