I Can't Have Nice Things, Part II

Malcolm Reynolds did it again. Last night, we left the pups alone for two hours and we came home to mass destruction. Okay. I'm exaggerating. I only lost one thing. I lost a very important thing. I lost an irreplaceable thing. Malcolm Reynolds ate my My Drunk Kitchen apron. I'm devastated.

It just hurts to look at it.

For the few people on this earth who are not yet familiar with My Drunk Kitchen, it is an internet cooking show staring the most adorable Hannah Hart. She gets sauced and cooks something. She swears like a sailor. She is hilarious. It is, in my opinion, the best internet cooking show of all time. Here is my favorite episode:

http://hartoandco.com/my-drunk-kitchen-episode-4.html 

Go ahead. Watch it. I'll wait. Just be sure to come back. 

So, here's what happened. The Hub, kids, and I went over to the in-law's house for dinner before they shipped off on another out of town adventure. (Sounds familiar? It is. See here: I Can't Have Nice Things.) Apparently, the dogs get very upset when people take vacations without them. We were having a pizza dinner and The Hub volunteered to pick up our order. On the way to the pizza place, he stopped by our house again to check on the dogs. Upon entering the kitchen, he found all of my aprons on the floor. Bailey Grace, my squat, sausage of a pit bull, recently figured out how to pull herself up on tables, chairs, and window sills. Our theory is that Bailey pulled herself up on the kitchen table to look out the window. In the process, she knocked all my aprons off the hook on the wall behind her. Once they hit the floor, Malcolm jumped at the opportunity to chew on some fabric. I've decided that's his thing. Socks, shirts, underwear, towels, and now aprons... He's a cotton/poly blend guy.

The Hub did not want to tell me that I lost an apron. He knows how much I like them and that I enjoy showing off my little collection. I started an apron collection after I bought a "retro cherries" one for my costume for a charity arm wrestling match in 2011. I loved it so much, I wanted a few more...

Cute, no? 

I have one for Halloween:

The Witch is in the Kitch

Then there's my The Princess Bride apron featuring Inigo Montoya and his famous line:

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Best book and movie of all time. 

And up until last night, I was the proud owner of a MDK "Pretentious-Ass Recipe" apron. I was really upset that my furry children ruined another something of mine. I firmly scolded both beasts for their naughty behavior. I pouted for a while on the couch. When I thought I was over it, I checked the Harto & Co. on-line store to see if I could replace the apron but to my dismay, they don't sell this apron anymore. The sadness is back. I'm crushed, people. Crushed.

I know Malcolm is very sorry about it. He walks around with his ears back and his head down. He won't look me in the eyes. He follows me around the house and tried to spoon me while I slept last night. When I was talking pictures of the apron this morning, Malcolm left the room and sat in the corner. He refused to look at the camera for this photo op. 

Cute, no?

Here comes the bizarre part. I completely see the positive in this situation. I know... it's a gift and a curse. Having these damn dogs in my house makes it impossible to be materialistic. I can't have nice things around them, therefore, I don't bother buying nice things anymore. My sewing skills have improved exponentially over the last few months and as long as I have all the pieces, I can usually salvage the item. You can't even tell where I stitched the tongue back on my Converse All-Stars. (Bailey went through a shoe chewing phase for a few weeks this summer.) The dogs have forced me to become the organized neat freak I am today. If I don't pick it up now, consider it devoured and shat out in the backyard later. Today I have to monitor Malcolm's bowl movements to make sure the apron does not get stuck in his digestive tract. If that does not keep a girl grounded and humble, I don't know what does. I live a simple life. No clutter. No major consumerism. 

Malcolm has pre-existing issues that took a while to come out after we rescued him. We're working through them one by one. I didn't realize he was this extreme of a nut case until after I promised to be his mother for the rest of his years. I made a promise to him. I can't back out now. He is a very kind dog and I have to remind myself that he's not being a total jerk on purpose. His previous owner did not give him enough attention during his vulnerable and impressionable puppy/adolescent years, and now he's a compulsive eater and has a fabric fetish. Not bad for only taking Psychology 101, right? 

I love him. I don't like him very much right now, but I love him. What can I say? I like aprons and emotionally damaged pets. It's my thing.

** UPDATE!!! A friend of mine found the Pretentious-Ass Recipe apron. http://mydrunkkitchen.spreadshirt.com/adult-apron-A8177650/customize/color/5
Apparently, I was not on the right page or website or whatnot-whatevers.
Thank you, Alex! Good feeling back!!!