Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Doing It

A few nights ago, right before her bedtime, S glanced over at the television as she walked through the living room and said, "They're gonna do it."

[Record stops]

Do what now?!?!

The hub was working on his lap top and I was picking up B's toys off the floor. The television was on but neither one of us was watching it. We shot each other horrified looks and then turned our eyes to the television. It was an old episode of That 70's Show on Nick at Nite, which meant the cartoons were over and they went right into older people programing without us realizing itEric and Donna were kissing. Fully clothed. They weren't actually going to "do it." (Well, not during that episode, anyway.) But that wasn't the problem. S said something that referred to "sex" and she is only 6 years old. The hub and I had the following conversation telepathically:

The Hub: Did she just say what I think she said?
Me: YES!
The Hub: Do you think she knows what that means?
Me: I don't know. Ask her.
The Hub: No! YOU ask her.
Me: Oh no. I handled the last awkward parenting situation. It's your turn. YOU ask her.

The Hub:  "S? What do you mean, 'They're going to do it?'"
S:  "They're going to smooch."

Oh, thank God.

Having "the talk" with S has been on my mind since the ultrasound technician announced, "It's a girl!" Before S was even born, I vowed that I was going to be honest and open with her about sex and all things sex related. My daughter would know the proper names of the body parts and what they do and what they are used for before anyone one else could misinform her. Sex is a natural and a beautiful part of being human. BUT NOT AT AGE 6!!! I'm not ready. I'm not ready for her to be ready. She never once asked me how babies are made in all her 6 years. I didn't go into details when I told her I was pregnant with B. She never asked. I just imagined she would be much older and it would start off with, "Now that you're getting older, some crazy and exciting things are happening to your body..." then several years later, we would pow wow over lattes and I'd boldly tell her the real deal about sex and that boys in high school are stupid so don't do anything with them. Then she'd say, "Wow, mom! I'm glad I can talk to you about anything! I love you!" [End scene.]

After I tucked S into bed that night, I sat down and thought about what she said. "They're gonna do it." Where did she hear that from? From a friend? From a young relative? From the older kids in the back of the school bus? Yeah. That has to be it. Those naughty 5th graders at the back of the bus, gambling, drinking moonshine, smoking and looking at nudie magazines. S got it from them! Those older kids talked about sex, drugs, and Justin Bieber in front of my baby! Those little bastards!  

Typical bad 5th graders... in my mind anyway.

Ok. Maybe I'm exaggerating. But, admit it. You learned a thing or two about a thing or two from 5th graders on the bus when you were in grade school. I know I did. Truth is, I happen to know a couple of really sweet 5th graders that ride S's bus, and to the best of my knowledge, they have never gambled, smoked, drank, or looked at nudie magazines. The jury is still out on Justin Bieber. So it's not fair to immediately look to blame someone else. As it turns out, absent minded parenting was the culprit. S was simply repeating what she heard on the TV. We were not paying attention to what was on the channel. In fact, I'm not sure why the TV was even on since no one was watching it. S just happened to walk by and heard the line, "They're going to do it." You can watch it here:

It's one of my all time favorite shows, but I understand time constraints so fast forward to 16:37 to watch the scene that started this whole thing.

I wish this was the last thing S said to me that made my heart hurt a little this week. Yesterday, when she came home, S announced that the next day was K day of the ABC days of school count down. (The kids in her Kindergarten class do something special each day using the alphabet to count down the days left of school. A - Make Autograph books, B - Blow Bubbles during recess day  C - Get Cookies after lunch day and so on.) On K day or "King" day, the boys of the class "rule." I suppose they get to be line leaders or get to choose the story time book for the class or whatnot. S was not looking forward to K day but she is looking forward to Q day... "Queen" day... the day that the girls rule. 

S: Mom? Can I pick out my outfit for Queen Day? I wanna look hot!

[Record Stops... again!]

Me: Hot? What do you mean by "look hot?"

What I think she thinks "hot" means: 

But after talking to her, I learn that "hot" means this to a 6 year old:

Again, thank God.
So, the lessons I've learned this week are:

  1. Make sure the television is turned off if no one is watching it.
  2. The hub and I can telepathically communicate with each other.
  3. My daughter is still innocent and sweet and I shouldn't assume the worst... yet.
  4. I should probably cut MY television watching time down since all my references on this post come from TV or movies. I should read a book.
  5. I need to read some parenting books about talking to kids about sex and stuff like that because obviously, I'm not ready... yet.


  1. We need to get you some more records at the rate S is going!!

    Also the dream sequence where you two pow wow over a sex conversation is uncomfortable to me. I would do it somewhere NOT in public and I wouldn't want anything to eat or drink while talking about the mmmhmms and sex. Especially if your gonna wait to talk to her.

    I plan to do this with my son about 10. He already knows the body parts and he's 7. He also knows about personal boundaries but that's because I'm an overprotective mom and I don't want anyone touching my baby.

    Great piece as usual :)

  2. To my dear anonymous fine friend,
    I used to have a brilliant record collection before S started talking... all scratched to hell now.
    I think the reason I see myself having the "sex talk" over coffee is so I can slip a little Irish Whiskey in my mug to get over my nerves. I do realize that I need to be careful with that... too much whiskey and I could tell her too much. ;)
    I've also talked to her about personal boundaries for the same reason!
    Thanks for reading!

  3. There are some times I am greatful I did not have a daughter..Daddy had to do the talk and I could be nervous for him.. Turns out the boys did the talk and he came back with did you ever hear of this???
    Children are growing up way to fast these days.. we need to slow them down and let them enjoy being a kid. You are going to be awesome when it is time for the "talk". Awesome funny story.. I loved it!


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