No. Strike that.
I've been in a really bad mood lately. I've been cranky for over a month now. Not all day, every day... more like, more often than not. I have a bad temper. My immediate family has seen my temper. The Hub's immediate family has seen my temper a couple of times over the last 14 years. Very few people know just how angry I can get. I can go from calm to Oh-Hells-No in 3.5 seconds. I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to keep my anger in check and avoid outbursts. If I have an outburst, it's been long overdue and I couldn't keep it in any longer. I try very hard to be kind and calm. I try very hard to stay away from drama or get into heated debates (and this is an election year... you guys are making it difficult to stay out of heated debates. Really folks, just stop talking about it until November.) I have to work at not reacting every time I get angry. I take deep breaths. I'll lock myself in the bathroom and yell at the wall. (Don't worry, the wall can take it.) The Hub will sit with me for hours and listen to me rant. He's a very good listener. He can talk me down off the ledge better than anyone else. My temper is my proverbial cross. I hope you've never seen this side of me and I hope you never will.**
|"...don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."|
Recently, I've noticed that it doesn't take much to make me mad. It's in the air. It seems like everyone has something bothering them. I bet you are ticked about something. If you're not, then think about the people in your life. Chances are, they're pissed off about something. I bet you they're not mad about petty things, either. I bet you it's big stuff like financial problems, health problems, job problems, and/or relationship problems, just to name a few. Big things that take up so much of our patience. Big things that don't go away with deep breaths and counting our blessings. With all this angry energy floating around, it's hard to maintain a calm and cool attitude all the time. The big stuff in my life right now is depleting my patience reserve. I find that I'm getting upset over little things. Stupid things. Trivial things like...
I cleaned the hell out of my house this past month. I was tired of Malcolm Reynolds (the Hub's dog) eating stuff off the floor. I was tired of searching for important documents or someone's left shoe all the time. The playroom was so messy that I couldn't see the carpet. I reached my breaking point and cleaned/organized everything. I challenge anyone to find anything out of place here. Even the junk drawer in the kitchen is organized. The Hub and I have lived in our current place for over five years and this is the neatest it has ever been. There is not a stack of mail or a basket of laundry sitting around. Every closet looks like Martha Stewart beat it into submission. The girls' toys are all neatly stored in bins and on shelves. I worked my disorganized butt off and now my house is a well-oiled machine. Beds are made each morning. Toys are put away each night. Laundry is put away as soon as I fold it. I have successfully removed all clutter and material chaos from my living space. It is so freaking zen in here. The Hub hasn't asked me where anything is in three weeks. It's amazing. All I do now is spot clean and straighten up. I should be so relaxed and calm. I am. Just don't leave a cup in the sink if the dishwasher is empty. Seriously. Just don't.
|Put the cup in the cockadoodie dishwasher.|
Meal time is not always fun and enjoyable (as explained here). I spend a great deal of time planning the weekly menu, clipping coupons, surviving the grocery store trip (as described here), finding new recipes that everyone will like, and finally, preparing the meals. After all that, I plate the food and call my darling children to the table. My little cherubs, who have (not so gently) reminded me repeatedly for the last hour that they are starving and how cruel it was of me to forbid a snack before dinner, take one look at the nutritious yet delicious meal set before them and say, "I'm not hungry anymore."
|But you said you were hungry!!!|
I thought it was a good idea to find ways to relax and de-stress. I take the dogs for long walks. I'll jump around with the kids when we feel a bit edgy or cranky with each other. I'll focus on my breathing and zone out for a bit when things get crazy. I really enjoy yoga. I'm no yogi by any means. I have to watch a video to know what I'm doing, but it's one of the few workouts that I actually enjoy from start to finish. A few Saturdays ago, I woke up before the sun came up and pulled out my yoga mat. Even with the dogs sniffing my face and trying to lay down on my mat, I felt focused and energized and relaxed. When my video was over, I made a cup of coffee and let the dogs out in the backyard. I stood on the porch and enjoyed my good energy. I took time to notice the sunlight shining through the leaves of the tulip poplar tree. I heard the birds chirp as they looked for their breakfast. I felt the cool morning breeze on my skin and I was truly happy to be alive and in that moment. My coffee had never tasted better. It was good. Life was good.
Then the kids woke up and had an epic fight over which cartoon they were going to watch.
|Good feeling gone.|
I know things will get better. I also know it could be worse, but I don't like to think that way. I am grateful for the good in my life. But, damn it, I think it is okay to have a tantrum every once in a while. I'll serve my time in "time out." I'll sit there and think about how I need to be careful with others and not eat their faces off. I know that it's my responsibility to control my temper and even if I truly believe they deserve a good kick in the teeth, it is not loving to take my anger out on anyone else. I know I need a break. I know I could use a vacation. It's been 8 years since the Hub and I took a vacation. I NEED a vacation. But for now, I'll settle for a cold beer and a long nap.
** If I have unleashed on you in the last month or so, I truly apologize. It was not right of me to verbally tear your face off. But, let's be honest, you probably deserved it.